i’ve been sitting with comes up lately. really sitting with it…no glossing over, no dismissing, no minimizing. particularly the moments where someone was unsure of me. my mind went back to my ex. i’d asked him if he “wanted to be here.”
“i don’t know.”
it may have very well been the most honest answer he had, but it infuriated me because he had single handedly made me start to question myself and my worth while with him. and while i won’t get into that, it made me wonder…what is it about me that would make someone unsure of me…that would make someone question whether or not i’m worth whatever they are weighing in their mind? have i not shown you loyalty, care, interest? have i not been vulnerable…open, and honest?
perhaps too honest - some want honesty, but i now understand that not all can handle it.
do i want someone to risk it all for me? sure, sounds good, but highly unlikely. do i want someone to come into contact with me (that i actually like) and recognize what they could have and/or experience having me in their life and make the decision, without a doubt, that they want parts? yes (not for the wrong reasons, obviously).
there’s something about being unsure of me that cuts me deep. it doesn’t feel good and puts me in the mind frame of not being good enough for this or that. i don’t like that feeling of why not? i will never ask the unsure person why not, but i internalize it…i’m internalizing it.
in this moment i’m feeling a sadness that i probably can’t explain as well as i’d like, but it kind of breaks my heart. i’m being put in a box with limitations. i’m so much more than my work. i say that because i’ve been put in that box too, and to feel like my work is valued more than the actual experience of who i am is disheartening to say the least.
i am trying not to retreat, but i recognize that i need to tend to these wounds, because…that’s what they are, and they hurt. that’s what this moment is, recognizing that and fully feeling what comes with it…trembling while trying not to cry. feeling my heart close off, and feeling my guard go way up again. i feel things deeply.
gift and a curse.
km.
i relate so much to this, i'm trying to give my heart fully but it always feel like i'm doing too much, and somehow everyone always crave honesty but they always take the first door to escape it.
Ahhh how often I have found myself here. Except now, at this big age, lol- I accept that I feel things deeply. Somebody has too. Stoicism is a human concept, and a stupid one at that. Humans were made with emotions because we are meant to be different from the beings that run on pure instinct. But nurture has upended our nature- this is what causes the wounds. And so now I treat the mental wounds the same as the physical. Clean them out and give them time to heal properly. Cleanse the wound of the lie that you are not worthy. You know that you are, do not convince yourself otherwise. You are your person, give all to yourself; one day you may find one to share some of it with. The person that realizes you are worthy of every effort will make it clear through actions, you will know without having to ask. Cleanse your wounds with the correct , true affirmations that you are worthy. You have value simply because you exist, because you are the only you that exists, that has ever existed. You have value outside of what you can do, because you are. Without you there would be a you shaped void because the space was meant to be taken up by you. I am glad you are here, even if you never write another word. Take care, highly valued one. 💛💛