“If a man came into your life, wouldn’t you want to compromise?”
“For what? A relationship is a relationship that has to be earned - not to compromise for. When you fall in love - what is there to compromise about?”
~ Eartha Kitt
The above quote is from All by Myself: The Eartha Kitt Story (1982), the laugh above is her actual response to the question. It’s one of the heartiest laughs I’ve ever heard…it’s such a good one.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately. The ins and outs of relationships, how people view relationships, and how that dictates how they are in one. I’ve always heard that you have to compromise in relationships…in marriages. And now I’m starting to ask myself why.
To me - compromise means that you aren’t going to be authentically yourself for the sake of someone else. That you are going to alter how you are, because of how you’ve been prior to that relationship. That you are at the very least, considering changing how you might think, how you speak, how you move, etc. That you are considering making yourself…different…to be more palatable for someone else.
How is that right?
How is that love?
I’ve mentioned before that because I’ve been single for so long that my idea of love and what it should look like, and how it would show up, is likely a fantasy. A culmination of fiction that I’ve read, and movies that I’ve seen that have made me feel…something.
Also read as: some shit that will likely never happen the way I picture it in my mind.
Recently I was told that I need to do better at relationships because I’m not very good at them and how I need people.
I had to take a moment because my immediate thought was to blow up the fucking car I was in at the time, but I’ve learned over time that my second thought is usually the one that is more logical.
“I know that.”
What pissed me off was that I’d just shared that I’d recently stepped out of my comfort zone and reached out to attempt to mend a relationship that I’d had with someone. I don’t do that. So for me, it was a big step and I was proud of myself for doing it, and had made peace with whatever the outcome would be.
I can count on one hand the amount of healthy relationships I’ve been in, and because there have been so few, the person I think about first in the majority of situations, is me. I’m the one who has to protect me, not because I’m expecting anyone else to, but because if I don’t, no one else will.
I would love nothing more than to hang up my battered shield, and permanently rest in my feminine energy, and be soft and just…be. But…
I’m scared.
I don’t know if a motherfucker will stay or leave, and I honestly don’t expect them to do one or the other because that would still be an expectation. And we all know the disappointment that comes with expectation.
This leads me back to the idea of compromising in a relationship.
Why would I do that?
Getting to know someone, is precisely that. Getting to know them. Getting to see how they are so you can determine whether or not HOW they are - works for you. Yes, our experiences shape us, and as we get older, we can be “stuck in our ways,” but I truly think that for the right person…the person meant for you…you would just want to be better. Not change who’ve you’ve been, but to continue to evolve into who you’re meant to be at that time, or for that chapter of your life.
That’s not compromising to me.
If I’m being honest, I’m tired of not waking up next to my person. I’m tired of not being reassured when I need reassurance. I’m tired of doing this life shit alone. As humans, I don’t believe we are meant to, and I think it’s becoming too easy to be solo and/or isolate. I don’t believe we are meant to lean on friends all the time. Personally, I’m very cognizant of the fact that everyone is dealing with something, and I learned that lesson the hard way a few years back when I was confiding in a friend at the time, and they immediately asked “When’s your next therapy session?”
It was then that I learned to ask people if they have the capacity for me, and since I’m usually in my head about that sort of thing…never wanting to feel like a burden with my thoughts and feelings. Because I was asked that question, I'm anxious when wanting to share and be vulnerable.
I hate that my mind is like a never ending rabbit hole.
Let me out, my nigga.
So many feelings about so much these days:
I’m no longer sure what my purpose is. I thought it was my work, the work I’ve been doing for years…storytelling. I don’t know if I’m losing faith in my dreams, if my dreams were just astronomical, if I’m just truly exhausted, or whether I just can’t see it anymore. Either way, I’m just not sure anymore.
I’ve been thinking about not being here. Not in a way that I want to harm myself, but just no longer wanting to be a part of this life that I’m living. I’m ready to check out. I’m finding that the happiness I’m seeking within, seems impossible to find. I’ve been crying myself to sleep most nights because I can’t seem to get around the sadness that I try so hard to escape.
I’m caring less and less about everything. There’s not much that I’m super interested in other than books, art, and figuring out when I will be freed of the couch that has destroyed my back and in turn, has fucked with my mental.
Mood.
Prospect - Danielle Mckinney 2022
km.
Another way to support this publication would be to check out my wish list: plot twist - it’s all books =)
Newly added:
Pieces of Me Seasonal Boxes are now available for Founding Members! These boxes are thoughtfully curated boxes that include some of my favorite “pieces of me” for self-care, wellness & inspiration - an offering of gratitude and thanks. Each box will be one of a kind, specifically for you. The Spring Equinox boxes will be going out in March, just in time for the Spring Equinox.
Capacity…mmmm. Yep. I so often have felt that I’m too deep of a soul for someone else to want to come back to again and again, but I do believe there are others that feel this life in the way that I naturally do.
Thank you for your vulnerability. As of late I’ve been reading tons of essays centering on love, solitude, being single, desiring romance etc. As an early 30’s unwed, and also not actively dating this phase of life is WILD. What I center myself on is my faith in God and my hope in the present. Additionally, in my mid to late 20’s, I did start seeing a therapist on a bimonthly and then monthly basis for 4 years. It was revolutionary. Similar to you, I had this feedback loop of negative thoughts about life, love and purpose.
You are called to write. Don’t ever mistake that. I recommend therapy, I also recommend repetition. Keep writing, get Up off the couch and start walking, and most importantly, you need to nurture that relationship with your spiritual being. My unshakable faith in God coupled with my behaviors of attending church, going to events, fellowshipping with other believers sustains me. I am not always happy. But I have developed one anchor, and that’s God. Look into yoga, deep breathing and daily prayer and meditation.
You’re so gifted. Glad to read your work. No matter what, keep moving ❤️