i’ve been giving lots of thought to life lately. what it all means, purpose, experiencing joy, the ups, the downs…trying to pinpoint what it is that would make this life of mine worth all the things. i knew it wouldn’t be something i could answer right away, and so - i pondered.
as i move through the days, i've been paying excruciating attention to the details…how things make me feel, what feels good, great, and terrible. what triggers me in good and bad ways, and what feelings i wish i could experience forever.
i finally pinpointed it.
when i was 1000% present in whatever i was doing, wherever i was, and whomever i was with…it was the moments where i was truly locked in. being present in a space or with someone…laughing until our sides hurt, being aware of what wasn’t being said and being on the same page. fully experiencing our surroundings.
the moments.
i’m starting to collect the moments that stand out to me, to keep a record that i can always go back to when i need a reminder of what made me feel alive. the things that remind me that i was present in those moments…not anxious or worrying about this or that, success, lack of, finances…i was free from all of those things…at least for a moment.
this new column is for these moments, something that i’m hoping will bring me to the page more often than not.
001
people were still finding their ways to their seats as i mulled over everything and nothing at the same time. i didn’t see him on stage yet but found myself slightly anxious because i wanted to.
i waited.
nothing. everything.
everything. nothing.
processing the day and how good it’d felt in my spirit.
he stepped out onto the stage from behind the curtain - i pressed my lips tightly together because my teeth wanted to put on a show.
his eyes found mine from across the room and they’d felt like they had a one way ticket to the depths of my soul.
i saw nothing else. i heard nothing else.
we could’ve been anywhere in the world and in those seconds, it wouldn’t have mattered.
my insides burned as i struggled to keep my body still.
how can one look do this, i wondered.
his eyes had found what they were looking for. and as he took his seat, everything about my being smiled.
km.