motion
like water...
I’ve been on a journey of finding my way back to myself. Back to the very core of what makes me KM. I’ve strayed so far away from that over the years that I found myself muttering “what the fuck?” over and over to myself recently, like it was some sort of mantra. Not good.
It reminded me of a conversation I’d had with someone from my past:
“When’s the last time you were happy?”
Whew. After some thought:
“When my Dad was alive.”
That was over 22 years ago.
That’s wild as fuck. I’m chuckling as I write this because I’ve been on auto-pilot since. It makes me think of all the times that I’ve done the bare minimum as far as taking care of myself because I was thrown into the role of taking care of everyone else over the years. There’s a sadness that comes with that now, knowing I was unable to focus, hence neglecting myself in the process. Too many times I’d look for peace and validation in other people because I was unable to see myself clearly. Fuck.
I wish I could go back and hug that Katie over the years. She needed it.
She still does.
Though I’m wiser, and more grounded, there are times where I do still feel like I’m hanging by a thread. There have been moments and times where I feel like I still have no idea wtf I’m doing but the difference now is…I still keep going.
I wake up and choose motion.
And if I’m being honest, a lot of the time I don’t think it’s me doing the choosing, I think that God sometimes makes the choice for me…giving me the push on the days I contemplate for far too long about it.
I’m taking swim lessons.
Though I’m a Beach Queen, I’ve always had a fear of the water because I was pushed in a pool when I was a kid. Normal right? So when I do go to the beach, I go in the water, maybe up to waist height, then I’m outta there. I repeat as necessary.
Swimming is very similar to boxing to me in that that it’s all mental. I’m in my head constantly thinking about my breathing…when to breathe, when to breathe out, don’t hold my breath, don’t swallow water…it’s a lot. I’m a bit more comfortable in the water now, even though for the life of me my body refuses to acclimate to the water temperature so I literally shake like a leaf from the moment I enter the water, til the moment I exit.
I’ve always marveled at how people could just float in the water.
How do they do that?
But now I can.
Another mental thing for me is relaxing in the water. I relax, I can float. I tense up, I sink. Keep my chin up. Look straight ahead. Let the water cover my ears. Keep my hips up. Relax.
My mind immediately strays to not wanting the water to come over my face, in my nose…in my mouth. Stress…aka tensing up.
My instructor is the most patient and graceful man I’ve come across in a long time. I have anxiety about not getting it quick enough, and not wanting him to have to spend too much time with me when there are a couple of other people in my class. He has a very calming energy about him and talks me (and my fellow classmates) through it.
Naturally, I think I’m pretty terrible being very new at it, but my swim group is so supportive that it makes me want to do better. My classmate marveled at my progress, “you can’t see yourself!” She’s right. My goal is to be an Olympian level swimmer by this time next summer..because goals. I want to feel like a fish - no fear.
He counts us in to start whatever we are working on.
“3…2…–”
“--Wait! One second!” I shriek out of nervousness.
We all laugh.
He looks me in my eyes and starts the count over.
“3…2…1.”
I hold my breath and push off the wall. Streamlined hands, facedown in the water…kicking. There’s a moment of silence as I open my eyes and start to breathe out through my nose. The quiet in the water is peaceful, this…I love this. I stand up when I run out of air, or when I see my instructor in front of me.
*high fives all around*
I don’t know how it looked - but I know how it felt. Gliding through the water…I forgot about every and anything else. I’m having a hard time trying to verbalize it, but that is now what I am looking forward to anytime I enter the water.
It seems as if it took for me to start swimming to keep my creativity flowing. I now feel a constant need to keep moving in all areas of my life. Keep going to the gym (even on the days my body is exhausted from swimming), keep being disciplined in my diet, keep writing, keep creating. It’s almost as if I have a newfound sense of self…and I like it here. Break-ups have always redirected my focus back to myself because it’s just me now. I’m the one here still working to get through it. I’ve always had a shit hand when it comes to relationships, so I figure, if I bet on me, I’ll be alright - the end result can only be expansion.
I look forward to those versions of myself.
km.
Inspiring! I'm ready for swim lessons and healing.🤗😉🩵
I am so happy to see you doing things for yourself Katie 💚🌻