saudade

why is it so fkn complicated?

Sep 28, 2025

The DJ had the music volume on 100 so we had to yell despite sitting right next to each other at the bar…knees touching, trying to close the space between us. This felt familiar, it was a comfort that I’d missed. I’m never aware of just how much I need his presence until we are in each other’s presence. I’m sure I’ve convinced myself over time that not needing him is the way, but life has a really sick way of being funny.

The music was distracting, but so was his face. I was trying my best to lip read but found myself entranced watching his lips move. I had no idea what he was saying.

“Mmmhmm.”

I was exceedingly aware of our touch. Arms grazing, the weight of our knees seemingly glued together while trying to figure out what to order. I was about 80% present. The other 20? Well…I was going down the rabbit hole of shoulda-woulda-couldas, what if’s, I wish I’ds, and wishing his voice didn’t sound so…necessary.

The spot wasn’t packed, the energy was good in the space and the bartender was attentive. I’d needed a distraction so I kept my fingers in my hair as I desperately forced myself to being 100% present.

You ever come across someone in your life who is literally the only person you can talk about certain things with? Where you’re so comfortable with each other that you wonder what the reason has to be that you two are connected in this life? Yea well…I’ve stopped trying to figure it out.

All I know is that his lips were distracting the entire fuck outta me and I had to will myself to be an adult and not feel like I just had to have everything that I wanted.

But did he want to kiss me too?

Not likely.

That helped me snap out of my shit. I focused more on us in the environment and the course of the day’s events that had brought us to this moment. I definitely didn’t expect to be here, in the middle of the night, having a long overdue catch up on all the things that have grinded our gears since the last time we spoke. My mind started to stray to the why we keep crossing each other’s paths like so. Out of all the people that I’ve come across in my life that I presently could not give a lesser fuck about, this is the one that I’ve always given two fucks about through every emotion, at any given time.

Sometimes the whole “out of sight, out of mind” thing came in handy because I didn’t have to think about it.

I was fine in my bubble. It’s where I don’t have to think about the past or anything that feels uncomfortable, or that hurts, or anything that has to do with feeling, period.

Perhaps this was all a lesson in karma. Maybe she’s finally caught up to me for the times I was reckless with other people’s feelings because I was too busy worrying about my own, and this was about showing me another way that I would not get my way.

Joke’s on her though because I no longer operate on emotion (or at least I don’t think I do,) or say all of what I’m thinking or feeling. The fear of rejection stopped that a long time ago, so this version of me is much more subdued, that looks at most, if not all things like “okay, cool.” The shitty part of that, if I’m being honest, is that I don’t look for or expect a happy ending with most things now. Likely because it’s never happened so I’m thinking this is how it’s supposed to be?

Who knows.

Who cares.

Stepping out of the bar felt like stepping back into reality as we walked. The streets were quiet, the breeze was warm, and exhaustion had begun to set into my bones because we’d walked a couple miles that day. I can’t remember what we’d talked about then, but I do know that I was still focused on his mouth as he spoke and wanted to lay down and be the little spoon.

“I love you. Do you believe me?”

I was hesitant to respond because I didn’t trust myself in that moment.

“I believe you.”