It’s been difficult for me to write because it’s been difficult for me to sit and gather my thoughts. When I have fleeting thoughts, I forget to note them and then I find myself in a neverending cycle of trying to remember everything.
I’ve been sitting with God more because there are times in your life where you are reduced to the point where that’s all you can do. And though I use that time to share my thoughts, fears, and tears, I do feel like I’m just talking to the particles in the air most of the time, and my words are just floating into a void of nothingness.
I’ve been in isolation phases before and I’ll be honest, I don’t like it, and I feel like I’m in this space more often than I’d like. I’ve always felt like no one truly gets or understands me or it, and I feel like at this point I don’t know if I want anyone to because that would require me to actually talk to people…to share pieces of myself with people, and I don’t want to do that anymore (at least in person.)
I tried a new therapist recently. She had to go. She would repeat everything I’d say and then tell me what I feel is valid. I know my feelings are fucking valid - let’s cut the bullshit and get into the thick of it. I know how it works, I’ve had over a dozen therapists in my life and I can tell you one thing, finding one that is a good fit for you is like trying to find a fucking needle in a haystack.
But cool. I’ll be my own therapist.
I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting and to be honest, I kinda feel like its been against my will because at this point I do not want to look at that things that have hurt me, that have broke me, that have had me in darkness for weeks…months…years. I feel like I’m being forced to, and since I no longer have any fight left in me…cool.
I’m not a fan of the former versions of myself because I realize that I put myself in situations that would ultimately scar me for the rest of my life due to me not knowing my worth…not being poured into…not knowing how to best deal with my insecurities…and me feeling like I wasn’t being seen, only used. I worry that I just might not know how to navigate relationships with humans now because I only know life in survival mode. I don’t know how to be “soft.” I only know how to protect myself.
“Give yourself grace.”
I thought I would be able to be given the space to be soft in my most recent relationship. I was terrified to open up, but I found myself wanting to, and very slowly letting my guard down. There were moments where I’d felt my nervous system relax…moments that were very foreign to me. I was scared. Scared to give into the feeling of releasing my hypervigilance. Scared to give into this…softness…this feeling of thinking that I was with someone that would give me the space to just be, that would hold me as I am - spiritually, mentally, emotionally. It ended up being a situation where I should have listened to my gut from the very beginning…when I felt that this likely wasn’t for me but on the other hand, I was trying to be open, and thought that maybe this was a sign…or a test of my openness.
The “relationship” lasted four months.
I’d attached myself to a narcissist who had fooled me in the beginning. The mask was beautiful though…he had me thinking that he really liked me until I realized I was ignoring the red flags. I walked away when I refused to subject myself to someone who decided that treating me like shit was the way the relationship was going to work.
I’ve already been through too much.
I’d never gotten to the point where I could fully share my past experiences and relationships, and all the things that kind of molded me into a guarded shell of a person now. I’d never felt comfortable enough to do so. He judged me and my current circumstances. My timetable of sharing wasn’t good enough for him. Me feeling like my time and my heart was wasted at this point in my life, after doing so much work on myself makes me feel levels of violence that I know aren’t healthy but since I don’t want to end up in jail….
“Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, ‘Vengeance is mine’ I will repay,’ says the Lord.” ~ Romans 12:19
I hope he finds what he deserves.
I’m finding it incredibly difficult to take the best care of myself when my mental is deteriorating by the day. I don’t feel like myself, and I feel like I don’t look like myself. If you’ve been reading my work for a while, you know that I don’t like my face…I’ve always been this way, and at my age, I’m still just trying to accept what is. But when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize the person who looks back at me. The light...the glow I felt I used to have is gone. All I see is an exhausted soul who’s tired of fighting life with all she’s got. I feel like my dreams are so far off because I can’t see out of this chapter of life.
And so, I sit in silence a lot. I walk a lot (my knees don’t particularly care for that). I think a lot. I think so much that I overwhelm myself…I give myself panic attacks and I feel as if the only person I can call is my Mom, because she’s the one who always picks up. It takes so much for me to get to a point where I pick up the phone and call someone, and when I do it’s because I feel unstable, unsure, out of sorts, and just need someone…but in the less than handful of times I’ve done that, no one else has answered the phone.
Imagine yourself drowning and no one picks up the phone.
Imagine reaching out to someone and the best thing they can say is “let’s go on vacation!” Bitch, I do not have a job.
Imagine calling the person you’re in a relationship with because you’re thinking that this might be your person, and when you’re struggling to explain how you’re feeling, they somehow make it about them.
Imagine not even having the words to explain because you don’t know where to start, and you feel like you don’t want to be a burden, so you just resort to “I’m fine” when asked how you are.
I’ve given so much of myself over the years. I don’t have anything left.
But let a nigga jump off a bridge because they can’t take life anymore, then everybody’s gonna boo hoo.
Go figure.
I’ve been trying to create my own world within and am trying to keep everything out that does not make me feel good because I deserve to feel joy and happiness. I deserved to feel loved and adored. I deserve good things. Part of my mistakes have been looking for these things externally. Not in the way that I’ve gone out of my way to look for these things, but actually being a human and wanting to feel this with another human…wanting to be cared for, adored, loved, considered...
The effort I’m taking to do this for myself is…slow.
How do I find the light in the thick of the darkness?
I don’t know, and I no longer think that I have to have this well thought out plan to “fix” myself. I just make sure I do something every day...celebrating quiet wins which have been consisting of things like actually getting out of bed, getting on my yoga mat, even if I don’t do anything but lay there, not criticizing my body…
“Keep going,” they say.
“You’re strong, you’re resilient,” they say.
“You got this,” they say.
It’s all filler. It’s what people say because they’re conditioned to say that. They think it’s the right thing to say but it all falls hollow because I HAVE kept going, I HAVE been strong.
When your soul is tired, it’s a different type of tired. If you’ve experienced it, then you know - if you haven’t, I hope you don’t. I’ll be honest, I’m just tired of being here living this life. It’s not fun for me, and it feels like no matter what I do, or how I’ve pushed and really try to continue to push forward, that life is happening to me and not for me. Don’t get it twisted, this isn’t a woe is me post, this is me verbalizing exactly how I feel about my life. I’ve been taking care of everybody and everything for far too long and I don’t know what it’s like to be taken care of. Am I being punished? Am I just not meant to experience this my life?
God, did I do something wrong?
Current read:
I was on a contract gig from Sept to April to cover a maternity leave, and from my interview stages, my manager made it known that we shouldn’t look at the contract with an end date. Over the course of 8 months conversations were being had about staying on permanently and in the 7th month, when I asked my manager what the status was of my contract (so I can know if I needed to start looking elsewhere) he told me that nothing was going to change. As we entered the 8th month I wanted to confirm so that I can do what I’d needed to do with my recruiter, he got really fucking weird and awkward and said that the contract end date was going to stay as is. Long story short, he could’ve just told me that he didn’t have the budget or headcount because he had known that weeks prior.
It had taken over a year and a half, and hundreds of resume submissions to get that gig. I’d taken it because I figured I could make some money while still pursuing something more permanent. I’m 2 months post gig, at least 100 more submissions in, and nothing. Recruiters have nothing and I’ve grown tired of submitting because with all the denials I’m getting, I’m sure that it’s a sign that I shouldn’t be doing anymore corporate shit and should be focused on doing my writing and creative work.
Sign taken.
Writing it is.
I say that to say that I will be re-activating my paid subscriptions on Juneteeth. Maybe my Substack is the way to go. I wanted to let you guys know in any event that you were a paid sub, and want to adjust your sub, or if you wanted to be a paid sub and weren’t able to. Either way, if you’re reading this, thank you for being here, and thank you for reading.
km.
Hey Katie, I am short of words after reading this, sending you love ♡