i’ll be honest, i’m not a big fan of the whole getting older thing. more specifically, the body changes. i’m fucking over it. every week, it’s a new thing. something isn’t working right, a new pain, a new mark, omg - stretch marks. they make me cry.
the only thing i like about getting older is the wisdom that comes with it. the thing about that is - the reflection on what got you to the present you, is usually a doozy.
i digress for a minute.
i know i should be thankful because i know it’s a blessing to accumulate years…to age…to still breathe life into the world…to wake up. i’m incredibly thankful, even on my worst days. i come from a generation where body enhancements weren’t a thing with our parents and grandparents because you know…Black don’t crack. we age beautifully and gracefully. i try my hardest every day to love the changes i’m seeing but instead of welcoming smile lines or new moles that look like tiny birthmarks, or the spider and varicose veins that are ruining my legs - my anxiety has tripled. one, because i can’t control any of it, and two, i can’t see myself getting to the point of feeling like these things are beautiful. all i see is aging. the only thing that i can say i honestly love are all the new freckles on my face because the majority of people in my family have them and they just skipped right over me.
working out seems more challenging these days, but i’m thinking that just has to do with me getting back into my groove. i’m positive i’m self-conscious about things that probably don’t stand out to anyone else. but i’ve always had this thing about my body - yea the dysmorphia part. i’m sure I look “great” but I just don’t feel it. i’m noticing that i do things at a much slower pace though. now that i love. i do love being more present to appreciate moments that i’d probably miss otherwise. i’m even more intentional with my workouts which is definitely a good thing for me.
something that keeps my chin up is believing that i have yet to experience my happiest days. the days where more of my time is spent laughing and living “easy,” more of laying back and enjoying the sun on my skin in different countries, experiencing life in new ways. i’ll be honest, i can guarantee that NYC is taking time off my life. the noise, the overall environment, the energy of the city, the food…yea i said it. i’ve been here my entire life and when you get the feeling that it’s time to move on, you gotta go with it. i read somewhere that “home is where the hurt is” and it felt like a straight punch to my chest because yes, it’s where all my hurt has been and it’s time to wrap this shit up. i crave newness. new people, new energy, a new lifestyle, new inspiration…the next version or chapter of me. i’m definitely leaving but i haven’t decided on where just yet - i just know that i have to be in close proximity to beaches. Chicago has been on my heart for a while for the short-term so we shall see, but abroad has definitely been on my heart for long-term.
in the meantime, i’m hoping i can get more comfortable with the whole getting older thing because i’m at the point of pulling my face up and back when i look in the mirror and i hate that for me. clearly i have some more root work to do.
km.
Chicago has great beaches. Definitely come here it is so much cleaner than NYC (from what I've heard) and has such a strong sense of community :) :)
Beautifully said. As a lifelong trueyorker I finally left. Couldn't do anymore either. Packed it up and move to the outer cape of cape cod. Nervous system is slowly resetting, aligning more with myself. Highly recommend it. And thank you for your words.