shadow

i...we...are

I’m stepping in today for the person you are becoming familiar with…the person that wants to share “Pieces” of herself. Well, I’m a big part of that. It’s nice to meet you.

I’ve been giving her hell lately, planting intrusive thoughts into her mind, baiting her. We tussle often. I have to be honest though, with all her boxing training aside, I haven’t had as many wins as I’d like. Maybe it’s all the yoga and praying, and the trying to ground herself shit she’s on.

What she doesn’t realize is…I have time. I’m not going anywhere. She’s gotten really good at keeping a lot of her thoughts to herself or should I say my thoughts but I’ll be honest - we are tired of taking care of our mother. We are tired of keeping every motherfucking thing in order, done, taken care of. We are exhausted of living a life that doesn’t feel like our own. I remind Little Miss Pieces of Me that we never asked to be here…on this planet…struggling. We never asked for any of this. And to be perfectly fucking honest, we hate it here.

I don’t see the point of this life…of our life. It’s a struggle fest. There was that one time where I got her to the point of ending it all…I told her life would go on without her and at the very least, anyone that hasn’t stepped up, would have to do so when we were gone. I was excited that we didn’t have to suffer or worry anymore and I couldn’t wait until we got to the other side. Wherever that is.

However…

Her Big Homie decided to intervene that day.

Ugh.

I was so excited when we were attempting to climb that ledge on the 20th floor roof, but it was like we were fighting against something…it was as if large, heavy hands were on our shoulders pushing us down. We couldn’t get our balance together, we could not get that other leg up on that ledge…to freedom.

Ugh.

What a waste of a great idea.

We ended up going back down to the 6th floor to throw some clothes on to head to work. It ended up being one of the longest days ever. She couldn’t wait to get back home to bed, and I was annoyed to death that the day didn’t go according to plan.

I digress.

I notice that she tries to find little things that make her smile, or to make her feel good and as annoying as that is, because ain’t shit sweet, but it’s fine, I’ll let her have that because I like to spend my time reinforcing the fact that she’s just not going to ever find the type of relationship that she’s always wanted. That relationship that will make her understand why “all the others didn’t work out.” It’s all bullshit. She doesn’t speak about it to anyone at all, but I know her…because I am her. The “relationships” that we’ve had and experienced over the years have destroyed any common sense that may have been present regarding relationships, and we are very much traumatized as a result. I’ve managed to cloak her in doubt and have inserted an everlasting jaded overview of them into her heart. Our heart has been through too much and though the thought of being alone for the rest of our life is daunting, I don’t think it’ll be so bad. She’ll always have me. I just don’t think there’s anyone out there who will have her best interests in mind when it comes to matters of…her. The mishandling of her makes me seethe…we aren’t giving anyone else a fucking chance to do it again. The only one who can intervene here would be her Big Homie because it ain’t fuckin happenin’ on my watch.

Fuck that.

I honestly don’t see the point of her trying so hard anymore. I feel like our best years have come and gone and they weren’t the “best”…it hasn’t been a life of good. One can argue how blessed we’ve been but life should be about doing the things we want to do, crave…the things we desire, goodness, ease…peace. Shit has been everything but - and as long as it continues down that path - I’ll be here as her reminder.

She’ll be pissed I took over this week, but I just wanted to pop in to say hi.

To love her is to love me too.

s.

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