shape

the results of our past

It’s interesting how our experiences shape us.

Most, if not all of the decisions I make are due to how they’ve molded me. I’m not sure that’s a good thing when it comes to the ones that haven’t necessarily molded me for the better.

I want to be soft. Not necessarily a “soft girl era” but a soft girl life. I want to be tended to as if I’m a beautiful flower that needs tender care to be able to live her best and most beautiful life.

I’m able to notice the moments more though. Where my guard is completely down, where I am not in survival mode. Where I feel the most comfortable. Where I am able to just be. There aren’t many…and that’s probably why I’m able to notice them more now. Sure I can tend to myself, but having someone who wants to do that, to be in my world in that way…is what I crave.

For a long time, I’ve been leery of anything having to do with relationships. They just don’t work for me. Maybe I’m bad at it, maybe I’m always dealt a horrible hand when it comes to them. Who fucking knows. My heart has taken enough beating. But recently, something made me act on how I felt with someone. As I write this, I’m trying not to judge myself, trying not to kick myself for…feeling. But because of the connection that was obvious, I figured it made sense to explore it. I hadn’t felt this way in such a long time. It wasn’t lust or love…it was interest. I was interested in knowing everything about this human. I don’t know what it was…maybe a bit of everything but somewhere in my comfort level around him, I wanted more. Everything in me in this very moment is cursing myself out…damned near berating myself. The hardened version of me. The version who has been bruised so many times in the attempts to let her guard down.

I told you to leave it be. Let someone pursue YOU.

Well…yea, but this connection was new to me, and I wanted to experience as much as I could of it. I’ve become obsessed with the moments…living in them, remembering them…

I want to be a moment for someone.

I want them to think of me and think to themselves…I need more of that in my life…more of her.

It might seem ridiculous to some, but it’s not to me. I may never utter these words outloud, but writing them for people that I don’t know seems more comforting.

I can’t help but to feel dumb for allowing myself to be that comfortable, and I sabotaged it because if it’s one thing I’m sure of, I will never let someone feel like they can give me scraps of attention and it be ok. If you’re interested in me, and tell me that…there are actions that go with that, and silence is not one of them, consistency is. Communication is absolute and without it, there is room for me to think things that may or may not be true, and start believing them. If I’m left to my own devices, I will self-sabotage every single time.

Now, am I feeling it? I am. There’s a sadness that I’m having a hard time shaking…an understanding that I allowed myself to be vulnerable, against my better judgment, and the result was not one I thought I would be experiencing at the moment.

It didn’t feel good, but because of my past experiences, I had to put that boundary in place. That’s the growth. Doing something I had to, to protect my peace. In my case, caring often costs too much and as much as I wish I didn’t have the inkling to self-sabotage, here we are.

Over the years I’ve offered my value to people who didn’t hold it properly…mismatched capacities. I can tell myself that actions or non-actions of others are indicative of the type of person they are all day, but it in my mind, it always seems to come back to me.

Did I do something wrong?

But how can you know what the result will be if you don’t try? It’s as if being caught between a rock and a hard place. Fighting these battles on my own…in my mind… is becoming harder and harder.

Lately, I just lay and cry in silence, sometimes against my own will. I don’t understand a lot of what my life is supposed to mean. I don’t understand a lot of it. What are all these experiences shaping me to be? A lonely old lady who has barred her heart from the world? A woman who has to overanalyze her thoughts and feelings because she feels like she just can’t get shit right?

FUCK.

I don’t even want to get it all the way right, just a little bit right…enough right that I know that I at least know how to do something right.

Maybe I’m too much of a romantic. Maybe it’s silly of me to want to kiss someone in the rain, or want to surprise someone with that thing that they’ve been dreaming about or have been wanting for a long time, or to have him call me from outside, just so he could have a kiss before he goes on about his day.

To be considered. Cared about. Loved.

Indifference is what I feel in this moment now. Indifference. And I’m not sure that’s a good place to be.

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Things of note this week:

• I stopped going to movies often because my knees hate being in one place for too long, but I’m finding my way back to theatre more and more. I’ve been trying to find the things that keep me soft and serve as reminders of who I am, what I love, and how I feel. They’ve been the thing to keep me inspired to write my scripts, create my stories, and bring those stories to life. It’s also been my reprieve from the constant day-to-day noise that I’m dealing with in my current circumstances. It keeps me from losing my shit at times because I’m always on the edge of darkness.

• I’ve been sleeping more than I’d like and when I notice it, I’m usually waist deep in depression, but have likely been trying to fight it off. It also has to do with not being able to find a job and constantly having the conversation with myself that I don’t think it’s meant to be working in an office anymore - because there’s no way that I’m not getting calls with the experience I have. So maybe it’s a sign that I’m supposed to writing or creating full time. But…money.

• I’ve been trying to look myself in the mirror these days and tell myself that I love her, but that’s been hard because it always turns into “what is your malfunction?”

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Fave read this week:

• my love language is not having to ask - by mixtapes by gor (Easily one of my favorite writers because I can count on finding the words that express how I’m feeling on any given day, perfectly.)

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In case you missed it:

• I wrote a note on the types of pieces that I’m interested in reading and to my surprise there are many of you who feel the same! There are so many gems in the comments, and I’m trying to find time to read them all, but if you’re looking for your tribe, you might find them here.

km.

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